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Life is a journey; enjoy the trip! I wake up happy everyday and try to share that with a smile to everyone I see.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Arguments - Setting the Environment

If arguments take place in an atmosphere of acceptance and respect, conflict typically gives way to the calmness of understanding and acceptance. First and foremost, it is usually best to sit down before you begin talking. You can then focus better on each other and it is not nearly as easy to escape, as well, neither party can use dominating body gestures. Try to hear without interrupting and resist temptation to throw your two- cents worth in while the other is presenting their viewpoint. More importantly, avoid interrupting a person silently. This occurs when you use body or facial gestures such as turning your head away from a person. You interrupt when, whether with words or not, you block or screen what others are trying to say to you.

Decide between satisfaction and righteousness as these may be in conflict with each other. Righteousness creates problems. If you are right, others who may see things differently and, in your eyes must be wrong thus concluding righteousness only leads to one-ups-man-ship. Satisfaction leads to negotiation and mutual respect between people who do not totally agree on an issue. It is best to state your opinions as fears or concerns. Rather than being judgmental about an issue, express the feelings you have about what you are discussing. Concern for others should be a key ingredient behind many disagreements and arguments. Let your concern come out in a positive way; you will then focus more on your relationship with that person and not on the issue that you disagree about.

Clearly communicate positively with your eyes. Your eyes carry a message. If you don't think about something you appreciate about the person you are arguing with, your eyes will communicate tension instead. Let your eyes say: "I disagree with your views, but I care for you as a person." Think of something positive you can pass onto the other person. For example, it may be a thought from the past or a little thing of the moment that you appreciate. We all appreciate something about everyone. If a person is being highly stubborn, you could say: "I appreciate your persistence in sticking to an issue which must be very important to you. Also, know where you are going.

An argument has a purpose - to bring people to the point where they can reach some type of agreement. You need to know your goal or objective in an argument. If you wander from position to position, you and the other person never reach a point of agreement, and they will become increasingly exasperated with you. More so, once you get where you want to be, do not reconsider. Decisions need time to prove themselves. An agreement needs to be open for review but at a later date. Once you've taken a positive move in dealing with an argument, do not backtrack. Put a time limit on agreements and decisions. If the other person has accepted an agreement, without totally liking it, it will be easier to live with if they know it won't last forever.

Arguments can be peaceful or warlike. Peaceful arguments respect people and promote respect in relationships. Warlike arguments hurt and alienate. You can't avoid arguments, but you can choose the kind you end up having.